what it means to be a woman

Today I'm reminded what it means to be a woman.

In a profound way the feminine is illuminated by the ritual cycle of menstruation. Women maintain a level of exposure to harm through their vaginal opening, this is a persisting sacrifice or ongoing area that is in constant defense -- something like a forty-year wound. Women devote resources to this aspect of self over an incredible span of their lives. While primarily active, this process bends or informs a woman toward acts of compliance and mediation. When people talk about free will, I generally know they aren't women talking. When thought and behavior are directly influenced by hormones and other powerful in-body chemicals - free will isn't really free. I've often thought that choice exists but during her fertile years a woman is bent to the plow of reproduction, of raising offspring. Her body is designed to tolerate the intrusion of men, bringing with them every possible sort of crud.

Why are women less likely to sleep around? One or two bouts of hives or internal burning promptly smacks her around into understanding her risk exposure. Survival is when you limit disease.

Women pay for access. When reproduction doesn't occur women sluff off part of their body. This involves pain and a sense of loss. It involves anger and irritation, resentment and again, that certain awareness that their own body is temporarily in service to both men and species.

When women speak of empowerment, they must, also, speak of the bondage of the reproductive process. As a woman ages and her contract with men, children, species diminishes, often she feels a rise within as the unknown non-bonded woman wakens - as hormones diminish and the primeval power of the contract fades in ever lessening importance - then, the woman feels the feminine and a new neutrality that no longer devotes resources to reproductive process. It becomes less important to groom for attraction, to comply for acceptance - value is no longer measured by the number of eggs residing within her. As each thread of bondage lifts her innate energy returns, her motivations clarify, her ideas flourish. This is how women come into their power -- through the process of discarding reproduction and all its hidden vampires.

mystical experiences

A friend posted a question about what a person might consider a mystical experience.

I tend to think of such experiences in differing ways. Spontaneous or erupting type experiences are those that I'm unprepared for, that shock my senses to a sudden sense of expanded sensory life. In those moments everything gets bigger, stronger, more smelly, more textural, more acute and my experience of the temporal transforms or changes such that my internal log of linear time stops.

My most recent event of this kind was two years ago when I flew in to Maui for the first time. I wasn't prepared for the way the mountains floated with clouds much like a fine Japanese painting. I had an immediate sense of being in the presence of the goddess of NEEDING to go to Haliakula (sp?) and perform a ritual. This unexpected feeling stayed with me over the 10 days I was on the island and prompted me into the collection of objects including such things as black rocks, seashells, rare bits of coral, handfuls of flowers, frankensence (sp?) and a watercolor painting I did myself. I traveled to the goddess and stood on her heights and burned incense while these tokens rested close to me. I'm not a ritual type person so this was quite extraordinary for me.

I've done a lot of altered state of consciousness work over the course of my life and most of that work is through a mechanical means of entering such states. The most profound of these experiences was done using simple holotropic breath work which caused a transcendent experience which dealt primarily with an experience of Mary Magdalene and the sense of levitation.

However, the pivotal moments of my life are not augmented with altered body chemistries or the sudden experience of great beauty. Often I have a more subtle sense of 'wakening' where I am suddenly certain of an action I must take - often an action that surprises those around me as it isn't supported by a process of arrival. In these transitional moments I become aware of a new direction - the most notable recent occurances of this process was the moment I decided to return to college. One day I wasn't thinking about it at all and the next day I was taking an assessment test. When my mother asked me what was going on - I had to think a long time about what I was responding to - my sense was/is that I am compelled to this path - it is a cosmic prompt or if you are religious, I'm on a mission from God. Once engaged I become like a juggernaut striding forward, through, around, over, or surrendered to the obstacles littering my path. It's over there, is the vague sense I have of where I'm going although I have a larger sense that something I do may be useful to many or many many, even though that smacks of narcissism. Since I don't exactly know what that might be, I can't claim it either :)

All I can say is that such motivations become progressively more freeing. Since I am a writer this has emerged over the past six months or so with an attitude of going for it - I don't really care what the university expects or what teachers expect or what they assign - I write for posterity in some way. I'm supposed to go after what nudges me - that is my sense of the mystical presence in this.

A different type of mystical experience also needs to be mentioned. Sex. When two or more humans intentionally engage in orgasmic processes that include deep breath work the arc goes toward the third level or divine orgasmic experience where corporeal experience is transformed into divine engagement. The sense of the experience is that each person is touching the face of god, communing with god. This fundamental creation experience is what I feel is meant by the word intimacy and it is almost unachievable due to most people having so many issues with sexuality in our culture.

resistance...

One of my struggles, as a writer, is that I always want to write when something else is pending. I have this contrary streak that shows up and torments me.

Today, I want to write - I NEED to study, but I want to write. How weak am I? Pretty weak! Even though the reading part of the studying isn't really a ghastly book - still, it is homework and that alone makes it negative!!!

So, I wrote 2000 throw-away words last night. Not really, the scene I depicted was actually quite good but in retrospect I don't think it accelerates enough to just thrust the reader into the story. So, I will save it for some blurry future work and center on my core story.

See - I'm already cheating.

I'm weak!

equal pay day...

So, apparently it is equal pay day.

My suggestion of support is for men to ask the women doing their same job what their pay is - then the man should calculate when he reaches that daily amount based on HIS pay. He should then get up - put an EQUAL PAY sign on his workstation and LEAVE. Essentially, this should leave a lot of businesses with just women working and would illustrate how much longer a woman needs to work just to be even with her co-working male. On average - he should leave at 6 hours per her 8 hour day.

Support women - demand equal pay - TODAY!!!

SALE!!!

"The Longing"

This is my first EVER Vampire short story sale and I'm absolutely thrilled about it because it also sold to one of my favorite editors. Those of you who've written vampires know how hard it is to do something new and I have a lifelong dream to successfully conquer the tropes as part of my story writing abilities. This one was HUGE for me.

I will post the EXACT details of the sale as they are firmed up and so that each of you can purchase a copy at the earliest possible time. Trust me, this ain't your regular vampire story :)

oblivious flirting...

So, in the midst of thinking about other things I've been looking at my issues around dating. The truth is that I haven't dated in a couple years. My tastes are -- eclectic and a bit eccentric. I'm aware that there have been both men and women who have tried to flirt with me. In the moment of the actual flirting I am obtuse - shocked really. Huh?

One man, who flirted with me, basically talked about my rather expansive chest which was at that moment somewhat constrained in a corset. I remember thinking, what is he talking about, is something showing that I hadn't intended to show? One woman, who flirted with me, wanted to caravan across six states with me - basically sharing a hotel room. I remember thinking, OMG I snore like a freight train.

Basically, my mind is over ----------> there, at some busy point unrelated to amorous relations.

I think about dating and want to scratch...and the complications of actually doing something sexual and having to like reserve person time on my selfish schedule....oh, how did I EVER manage that in the past?

And, why are they looking at me -- I've gone to great personal lengths to not be overly attractive. ::sigh:: What is WRONG with them?

Nothing can possibly be wrong with me, right?

The truth is that I have a dubious history, in sexual terms. Suffice to say that I'm an expert in odd things and have taught many sexuality classes. They say you work on sexual things when you are working on sexual issues. I am working on sexual issues - more accurately, I'm working on intimacy issues. The sex part is easy, the intimacy, not so much. I'm not particularly good at surrendering and my 'partners' are always victims of my ongoing analysis - I'm always looking for what's REALLY going on versus what they SAY is going on. Paranoia? Oh yeah. Suspicion? Oh yeah. People lie. In fact they lie when they think they aren't lying. I peel them, looking for their lies.

I trust failure.

This is mostly why I don't date. I go in looking for the wounding.

I'm not much good at investing. I know you'll be transient so why work that hard?

So, stop flirting with me unless you are really ready for the peel...

putting out fires...

Today I've felt like a walking fire hose, soaking random people who approach me with their problems. I don't exactly put out fires but I sure like getting them wet.

Some people make themselves natural targets to hear the woes of the world. Jobs like bartending and hair cutting are rife with closeted therapists who nod and pretend to listen to all the shenanigans of their clients. Other people just have the right kind of face or they are far too polite and actually LISTEN to people which instantly makes them the victims of 'woe dumpers' - now, I'm not saying we all shouldn't be friendly and helpful and all that - but, quite frankly, I don't really want to know the excrutiating details of who said what to whom and how you felt about it. Really, I like you but NO, I DON'T CARE THAT MUCH!!!

I'm a FIX oriented person. If you start in on X - I will want to immediately know what you are doing to SOLVE it, not analyze it. Move on. Move on. GAH - the thing is, very, very few people are actually looking for advice - they are looking for a nice clean spot to poop out their stuff so they can share the aroma of it. They don't actually TAKE or DO any of the advice. It is all about sharing their feelings. Pfft! I'm not all that chummy with my own feelings so what makes you think I want to borrow yours too?

Shared feelings always feel NONconsensual to me. Courtesy demands I listen to you, that I sit politely by so you can express fully. I'm held there by shared cultural expectations of decent behavior. Ukkk.

I am perfectly okay sharing your feelings - for a price. I charge a very reasonable $150 per hour for regular drivel and about $450 per hour for seriously whiny and stupid drivel. I promise not to recommend anything which might relieve you of your wallowing in indulgent misery. Yes, I can plot my next story while appearing to listen to you - nodding when appropriate. Cheap really. No strings attached.