what it means to be a woman

Today I'm reminded what it means to be a woman.

In a profound way the feminine is illuminated by the ritual cycle of menstruation. Women maintain a level of exposure to harm through their vaginal opening, this is a persisting sacrifice or ongoing area that is in constant defense -- something like a forty-year wound. Women devote resources to this aspect of self over an incredible span of their lives. While primarily active, this process bends or informs a woman toward acts of compliance and mediation. When people talk about free will, I generally know they aren't women talking. When thought and behavior are directly influenced by hormones and other powerful in-body chemicals - free will isn't really free. I've often thought that choice exists but during her fertile years a woman is bent to the plow of reproduction, of raising offspring. Her body is designed to tolerate the intrusion of men, bringing with them every possible sort of crud.

Why are women less likely to sleep around? One or two bouts of hives or internal burning promptly smacks her around into understanding her risk exposure. Survival is when you limit disease.

Women pay for access. When reproduction doesn't occur women sluff off part of their body. This involves pain and a sense of loss. It involves anger and irritation, resentment and again, that certain awareness that their own body is temporarily in service to both men and species.

When women speak of empowerment, they must, also, speak of the bondage of the reproductive process. As a woman ages and her contract with men, children, species diminishes, often she feels a rise within as the unknown non-bonded woman wakens - as hormones diminish and the primeval power of the contract fades in ever lessening importance - then, the woman feels the feminine and a new neutrality that no longer devotes resources to reproductive process. It becomes less important to groom for attraction, to comply for acceptance - value is no longer measured by the number of eggs residing within her. As each thread of bondage lifts her innate energy returns, her motivations clarify, her ideas flourish. This is how women come into their power -- through the process of discarding reproduction and all its hidden vampires.

mystical experiences

A friend posted a question about what a person might consider a mystical experience.

I tend to think of such experiences in differing ways. Spontaneous or erupting type experiences are those that I'm unprepared for, that shock my senses to a sudden sense of expanded sensory life. In those moments everything gets bigger, stronger, more smelly, more textural, more acute and my experience of the temporal transforms or changes such that my internal log of linear time stops.

My most recent event of this kind was two years ago when I flew in to Maui for the first time. I wasn't prepared for the way the mountains floated with clouds much like a fine Japanese painting. I had an immediate sense of being in the presence of the goddess of NEEDING to go to Haliakula (sp?) and perform a ritual. This unexpected feeling stayed with me over the 10 days I was on the island and prompted me into the collection of objects including such things as black rocks, seashells, rare bits of coral, handfuls of flowers, frankensence (sp?) and a watercolor painting I did myself. I traveled to the goddess and stood on her heights and burned incense while these tokens rested close to me. I'm not a ritual type person so this was quite extraordinary for me.

I've done a lot of altered state of consciousness work over the course of my life and most of that work is through a mechanical means of entering such states. The most profound of these experiences was done using simple holotropic breath work which caused a transcendent experience which dealt primarily with an experience of Mary Magdalene and the sense of levitation.

However, the pivotal moments of my life are not augmented with altered body chemistries or the sudden experience of great beauty. Often I have a more subtle sense of 'wakening' where I am suddenly certain of an action I must take - often an action that surprises those around me as it isn't supported by a process of arrival. In these transitional moments I become aware of a new direction - the most notable recent occurances of this process was the moment I decided to return to college. One day I wasn't thinking about it at all and the next day I was taking an assessment test. When my mother asked me what was going on - I had to think a long time about what I was responding to - my sense was/is that I am compelled to this path - it is a cosmic prompt or if you are religious, I'm on a mission from God. Once engaged I become like a juggernaut striding forward, through, around, over, or surrendered to the obstacles littering my path. It's over there, is the vague sense I have of where I'm going although I have a larger sense that something I do may be useful to many or many many, even though that smacks of narcissism. Since I don't exactly know what that might be, I can't claim it either :)

All I can say is that such motivations become progressively more freeing. Since I am a writer this has emerged over the past six months or so with an attitude of going for it - I don't really care what the university expects or what teachers expect or what they assign - I write for posterity in some way. I'm supposed to go after what nudges me - that is my sense of the mystical presence in this.

A different type of mystical experience also needs to be mentioned. Sex. When two or more humans intentionally engage in orgasmic processes that include deep breath work the arc goes toward the third level or divine orgasmic experience where corporeal experience is transformed into divine engagement. The sense of the experience is that each person is touching the face of god, communing with god. This fundamental creation experience is what I feel is meant by the word intimacy and it is almost unachievable due to most people having so many issues with sexuality in our culture.

resistance...

One of my struggles, as a writer, is that I always want to write when something else is pending. I have this contrary streak that shows up and torments me.

Today, I want to write - I NEED to study, but I want to write. How weak am I? Pretty weak! Even though the reading part of the studying isn't really a ghastly book - still, it is homework and that alone makes it negative!!!

So, I wrote 2000 throw-away words last night. Not really, the scene I depicted was actually quite good but in retrospect I don't think it accelerates enough to just thrust the reader into the story. So, I will save it for some blurry future work and center on my core story.

See - I'm already cheating.

I'm weak!

equal pay day...

So, apparently it is equal pay day.

My suggestion of support is for men to ask the women doing their same job what their pay is - then the man should calculate when he reaches that daily amount based on HIS pay. He should then get up - put an EQUAL PAY sign on his workstation and LEAVE. Essentially, this should leave a lot of businesses with just women working and would illustrate how much longer a woman needs to work just to be even with her co-working male. On average - he should leave at 6 hours per her 8 hour day.

Support women - demand equal pay - TODAY!!!

SALE!!!

"The Longing"

This is my first EVER Vampire short story sale and I'm absolutely thrilled about it because it also sold to one of my favorite editors. Those of you who've written vampires know how hard it is to do something new and I have a lifelong dream to successfully conquer the tropes as part of my story writing abilities. This one was HUGE for me.

I will post the EXACT details of the sale as they are firmed up and so that each of you can purchase a copy at the earliest possible time. Trust me, this ain't your regular vampire story :)

oblivious flirting...

So, in the midst of thinking about other things I've been looking at my issues around dating. The truth is that I haven't dated in a couple years. My tastes are -- eclectic and a bit eccentric. I'm aware that there have been both men and women who have tried to flirt with me. In the moment of the actual flirting I am obtuse - shocked really. Huh?

One man, who flirted with me, basically talked about my rather expansive chest which was at that moment somewhat constrained in a corset. I remember thinking, what is he talking about, is something showing that I hadn't intended to show? One woman, who flirted with me, wanted to caravan across six states with me - basically sharing a hotel room. I remember thinking, OMG I snore like a freight train.

Basically, my mind is over ----------> there, at some busy point unrelated to amorous relations.

I think about dating and want to scratch...and the complications of actually doing something sexual and having to like reserve person time on my selfish schedule....oh, how did I EVER manage that in the past?

And, why are they looking at me -- I've gone to great personal lengths to not be overly attractive. ::sigh:: What is WRONG with them?

Nothing can possibly be wrong with me, right?

The truth is that I have a dubious history, in sexual terms. Suffice to say that I'm an expert in odd things and have taught many sexuality classes. They say you work on sexual things when you are working on sexual issues. I am working on sexual issues - more accurately, I'm working on intimacy issues. The sex part is easy, the intimacy, not so much. I'm not particularly good at surrendering and my 'partners' are always victims of my ongoing analysis - I'm always looking for what's REALLY going on versus what they SAY is going on. Paranoia? Oh yeah. Suspicion? Oh yeah. People lie. In fact they lie when they think they aren't lying. I peel them, looking for their lies.

I trust failure.

This is mostly why I don't date. I go in looking for the wounding.

I'm not much good at investing. I know you'll be transient so why work that hard?

So, stop flirting with me unless you are really ready for the peel...

putting out fires...

Today I've felt like a walking fire hose, soaking random people who approach me with their problems. I don't exactly put out fires but I sure like getting them wet.

Some people make themselves natural targets to hear the woes of the world. Jobs like bartending and hair cutting are rife with closeted therapists who nod and pretend to listen to all the shenanigans of their clients. Other people just have the right kind of face or they are far too polite and actually LISTEN to people which instantly makes them the victims of 'woe dumpers' - now, I'm not saying we all shouldn't be friendly and helpful and all that - but, quite frankly, I don't really want to know the excrutiating details of who said what to whom and how you felt about it. Really, I like you but NO, I DON'T CARE THAT MUCH!!!

I'm a FIX oriented person. If you start in on X - I will want to immediately know what you are doing to SOLVE it, not analyze it. Move on. Move on. GAH - the thing is, very, very few people are actually looking for advice - they are looking for a nice clean spot to poop out their stuff so they can share the aroma of it. They don't actually TAKE or DO any of the advice. It is all about sharing their feelings. Pfft! I'm not all that chummy with my own feelings so what makes you think I want to borrow yours too?

Shared feelings always feel NONconsensual to me. Courtesy demands I listen to you, that I sit politely by so you can express fully. I'm held there by shared cultural expectations of decent behavior. Ukkk.

I am perfectly okay sharing your feelings - for a price. I charge a very reasonable $150 per hour for regular drivel and about $450 per hour for seriously whiny and stupid drivel. I promise not to recommend anything which might relieve you of your wallowing in indulgent misery. Yes, I can plot my next story while appearing to listen to you - nodding when appropriate. Cheap really. No strings attached.

consistent negativity...

I have several different critique groups and individuals that collectively give me imput on my writing. Most of the time I feel a deep and powerful appreciation that anyone would take their time and energy to help me out. I really am touched.

However, I have one person whom I've noticed has been consistently giving me strongly negative critiques and that their recommendations would 'gut' whatever piece they are looking at. On the one hand, I know their capabilities on a grammar/sentence level are excellent, and they have the ability to write well technically. On the other hand their own fiction stories don't hold together enough for a single fiction sale. They do make a lot of nonfiction sales.

On my last crit request, from the moment I sent them the piece, I had to prevent myself from polishing the piece and sending it off without their imput. I had already received several useful crits and this was the holdout. My internal argument was that it was not honorable to pre-dispose myself to ignore their critique. Then, I received their critique - and it wanted to gut the story. Basically, I don't feel I can apply any of their advice.

What I need to do is tell them that their critiques are not working for me. I've tried to make sure here that I'm not trying to disregard solid advice just because it is negative. But, I've now reached a point where I don't trust their opinion, so, for no other reason than that, I have to stop asking them to spend their valuable time and insight on my work. This will hurt their feelings and that bothers me.

I don't want to look at what might be motivating this reaction to my work, on their part. I don't want to impose meaning or ideas that are likely to be just my imagining. At some point I have to trust my writerly instinct even on days when I'm not feeling so confident. I haven't been following their advice for more than two years and my work has been receiving a lot more attention and increasing sales. What I need to look at is why I might maintain a relationship so long after it was 'done' - and how I, as a writer, may have used this critic to sabotage myself.

I feel sad about it - but also a bit more free now that I've decided what I need to do to feel more in integrity with myself.

a new muse?

Since the beginning of the year I've noticed changes in what I'm choosing to write. I am still, generally, in the same area as before but there are some striking differences. First, I've written two erotica short stories this year and I can't tell you how long it's been - perhaps a decade, since the last time I had this urge. Second, my nonfiction writing is gearing up. Third, I've been getting the urge to write a S&S type story and last night I 'received' what looks like potentially a straight-up romance story. Uhmmm...Hello Muse - who ARE you and what did you do with my regular muse?

I'm not sure what to think about it. Perhaps I've simply waited long enough for new stories to arrive in these areas.

Generally, my muse gets all chatty at about the exact moment of my midterms - (this Thursday) and gets lazy at about the exact moment of my off time (next week)

I tend to think of this process as resistance. As a writer I'm often in personal conflict. I know that when I start it is like an addiction and I become rude to the world at large - I also know that the actual process is often exhausting. It didn't used to be this way. I used to feel more carefree, but, now, I bend into it and writing is like the furies of a storm. I want each stroke to 'make way' and to do so I must summon so much of me to the task.

I know that most people write crummy rough drafts but what comes out on my first run is often what most writers equate to a polished piece. This doesn't mean I don't need and do edits and revisions because I totally do - it's just that I've worked the frontal part of my creating process into a finer point over the years.

Most of my revisions are also scary - I'm getting used to putting a story in a drawer and starting over. Several writers 'watched' me do this one weekend and sorta freaked out. What I discovered, or the reason for doing such a complete new draft, is that by the time I reach the end of the story the first time, I actually know the story. If I start with knowing, it will develop organically in a different way. In a sense it is all about refining. And, it is all about risk taking.

Friday edits...

I was rather busy today and only somewhat happy about it. One of my editors wanted me to add 500 - 1000 words to a short story and that isn't really a problem except that my draft came in at 1700 words and I'm in an insecure mood today so I dithered and dithered and my beta readers were unavailable and it HAD TO BE emailed today (deadline) so I eventually did two versions - I kept the long one and then did a major trim to just over 900 words on it and sent that version too. That way, if she blocked space in the edition and ONLY has 1000 words max then she has a version that will work - if, on the other hand, she has ample room and/or likes the longer version more, then it is also available. ::sigh::

I hates these moods.

Mostly I don't have issues with my confidence. I'm long enough into this that I know that my writing is quite nice most of the time. I can write drek but generally I don't.

I think this was a combination of a rush deadline and the absolute lack of time I had all week. On Mondays and Tuesdays I leave the house around 6am and get home after 9pm and have to be in bed by 10pm for anything remotely like real sleep. Plus, I had a research paper due on Thursday and an advisor meeting on Wednesday and everything compounded to make me unable to focus on the delicate aspects of erotic sex - yes, that was what needed expansion in the story :)

I have to be somewhat horny to write erotica well - so that means I have to think about sex or someone sexy for a few hours and you just can't manage that at school (ewwww) - I think I did okay. The other problem is that my story isn't formulaic - I have a third element that mucks around with the plot throughout and I couldn't just forget that for the ending - this means that orgasm is never entirely reached although I 'think' I still manage to satisfy the reader both sexually and with the ending. Dunno - see how I DITHER???

On the up side I feel rather cheerful to write 2 new erotica stories this year when I haven't written one in several years. I went away from erotica intentionally but always wanted to work with this one editor and when she mentioned how she couldn't find the right pieces and she extended her deadlines - well, I decided why not try - the worst I could do was fail to a form rejection letter.

That is what I wrote on my winter break - in between grouting my porch. My second erotica piece was also an accident - the submissions posting happened to be about a workshop I used to facilitate and almost immediately I had one of those 'moments' and off we went. That story is still in critique with a submission deadline of April 1st.

I have a science fiction / fantasy short story due a week from Wednesday and I haven't even started it. Pesk.

good ideas...

You know that realization when you are critting someone and you go beyond the scope of their current work and you see the sort of film settle over their eyes and you know they won't ''go'' there and too bad. That happened in my nonfiction class today. The difficulty with participating in a workshop full of young people is that they don't have life experience and their grasp on history is iffy - so when someone old like me is in the room and I read what they wrote but KNOW that their explanation is merely their lack of research - that's fatal. Generally I shut up but today I offered them the means to take their essay beyond self indulgence. Too bad. Cool subject. ::sigh::

One of the things that seems to surprise my classmates is how much of their life they should research when writing. The idea that they are writing memoir seems to suggest to them that they are experts when this just isn't so. In one story the girl centers the story on a catfish alternately called a crawdad. Is it important? I don't know except to say that because it was called both names I wondered if it was a catfish. The detail in our world is important, at least to me as a writer. What happens is that there is a tendency to write against a blue screen. Vague surroundings are the norm.

The teacher - always comments on my specificity. I don't want my readers to be vaguely somewhere doing vaguely something while the protagonist has meaningful thoughts. The WHOLE story has to lift -

In any case, mostly I keep my mouth shut and practice exercising generosity of critique.

migraines...

My son, who is 28, had a problem last night. Basically I've been working with my son for about 8 years on mistakes I made while raising him which caused him issues as an adult. He has made a lot of progress but he still has 'stuff' - last night one of those popped up like a zit - really. He cornered me in my bedroom to 'talk' and I explained to him that as you work through one big issue, eventually it fades out and under it you find other issues that are lurking or hidden and they pop up like zits - free at last.

We had a good discussion but it is stressful. This lesson costs me $1250 bucks - more or less, since part of his current issue is around reactive spending and I'm his damn safety net.

On the one hand this is all good because HE CAME TO ME - on the other hand @#%^$@# there goes bucks...sigh.

Once again I suggested he go to a therapist - once again he rejected that saying it was hard enough telling me stuff. GAH!!! This is one of the downsides of being in psychology - advice or expertise. ::sigh:: Still, I have to own my stuff too here. So we muddle forward.

The problem is that I have Celiacs and I had been marginally naughty about 30 minutes before his 'confession' and most of the time I can get away with a naughty here and there - but when you add stress to naughty my Celiacs bursts out with a full on migraine and that was my reward - that and my dog was very active last night and wouldn't let me sleep. That led to me staying home from morning classes to get rid of the migraine (they last from 12-18 hours from onset) - I'm in the nearly recovered part right now and will head to school in another hour or so.

nice editors...

OMG I almost have good news -

A certain editor wrote me a very very nice note which has me quite happy at the moment. I am hoping this will translate into more good news within a week or so. YEAH!!!

This is for the story that I wrote during my winter break so I am quite pleased that it is receiving such a good reception. I don't have many stories out at the moment because I had them on my older MAC laptop and they were not transferring to this PC well at all. However, I put them on my thumb drive and I'm hopeful that this week I can muck with the school's big MACS and get them in a form that the PC will tolerate. It is daunting - I moved hundreds of things off the MAC - about 80 or so are stories - then there were novels and starts and trunked stuff and well, you get the picture. In any case my "new" group of stories is pretty much submitted - except for the last piece which is still in crit, hope to polish in about a week. I'm quite pleased with the state of my writing at the moment - I seem to have improved when I wasn't looking. :)

My cat story was reviewed in class today and it was really quite funny. This is a non-fiction non-academic essay that I decided to structure like a Stephen King short story - my objective was to shock my readers both because this is non-fiction and it is unexpected content. Boy was I successful :::gleeful hee hee::: They were trying to figure out how I managed to be creepy and nonfiction at the same time. Was totally funny. Got pinned in the hall later by people wanting to confirm that my story is true :))))))

Stephen King must know a thing or two about structure LMAO

Most of them complained about my one whole paragraph about the town - not because it wasn't good - but because they thought the story was about something else and then I twisted it. So satisfying - really - I need to do Stephen King again....very very fun.

All of them seemed to think I need to publish this like immediately - because it scared them and it should be out there in the public eye. :::hee hee:::

I do need to add a bit more to it but I knew that, we are required to do a revision so I left room to do that when I turned it in to the class.

Plus - I found 9 dollars on the ground today. WOW!!!

Someone is smiling on me today!

screening for agreement...

For the person reading this blog who, on their own blog screens out posts that are not in agreement with her - bad form.

As I see it, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution - not both. Racism will not end with people clinging to it as a means of justifying their own racist actions. You either work toward ending hatred or spreading it. Decide if the demon you think you fight is reflected in your own mirror.

Anyone can scream about how victimized they are - it is much more difficult to do the work of healing which requires a surrender of your guns.

RACE FAIL -

I've grown annoyed with the circling behavior where people present the position that 'writing vile crap about each other' will IMPROVE anything. Violence doesn't cure or improve violence and words can be just as violent and hurtful as other types of actions - they are registered in the body and mind as equivalent injuries.

Morgan Freeman in conversation with Mike Wallace said:

“You’re going to relegate my history to a month?” Freeman asks Wallace. After noting there is no “white history month,” he says, “I don’t want a black history month. Black history is American history,” he tells Wallace.

The notion of a special month for black history may be hurting rather than helping efforts for racial equality, Freeman believes. When Wallace wonders whether racist attitudes may be harder to eradicate without the education that Black History Month provides, Freeman retorts: “How are we going to get rid of racism? Stop talking about it!”

Freeman believes the labels “black” and “white” are an obstacle to beating racism. “I am going to stop calling you a white man and I’m going to ask you to stop calling me a black man,” he says. “I know you as Mike Wallace. You know me as Morgan Freeman. You wouldn’t say, ‘Well, I know this white guy named Mike Wallace.’ You know what I’m saying?”

What he said was controversial but important. Narrative has a place in processing wounding and that place should be validated and supported. But, who is that narrative for? Do we have good black writers engaged in writing about the WHITE experience of black slavery from a perspective of cultural damage of white descendents? Why would they? That wound isn't 'visceral' for a black person. White writers are, inevitably, going to approach the material from a different wounded position than a black writer will.

When RACIAL FAIL '09 gets around to being about HEALING PROCESS rather than privilege of written assault under the guise of defense - then maybe we will see a reduction in all the inflated egos pretending to injury. Healing isn't nearly so glamorous as screaming the words RACIST and WHITE PRIVILEGE while a chorus of people congratulate you for being violent and racist - the very thing you are SCREAMING about.

things I wish I'd said...

I've been a slush reader for the Berkeley Fiction Review this semester and for the most part that means scowling at mediocre short stories - looking for reasons to like them. Bah - most of them are plotless wonders and I keep thinking I've missed something - do literary shorts no longer need to have an actual story in there?

We have passed a few up the editorial line but even those I wouldn't buy if it were my money on the line. I know the Review is a for-love market but really....

However, this week at the editorial meeting the dude next to me said something I wish I'd said - we were reviewing a story that had made it out of slush and it had a few issues - during the comment phase he says, "This story gave me literary blue-balls."

I choked and tried not to snort up my guts from laughing - OMG and he was SO right about the problem with the story.

it's Sci Fi night....

Okay, let me type something before hitting enter...

My science fiction class is going on or sorta starting but not for real yet...the rain has stopped - mostly and I lost my bike key but luckily I had my extra with me ::sigh:: this means that I will have fun for 2 hours and then get home really late.

I have two writing pieces due like now - this means I have to get busy - I did some research today and the more I read the better I'm liking my nonfic one - I think I have lots of meat to play with. My fiction piece is being pressured by other tempting stories trying to get my attention too - what's up with that? Actually, I have a problem with being seduced by the dark side - topics, prompts - anything but what I 'should' be writing.

More later - peeps is showing up...