the hole...

Okay, it's true. Near the end of the semester I crawled down into a hole and pulled it over my head. I felt done and stressed so I did a lot of nothing except what was necessary.

Today, it's darn sunny outside my door and flowers are blooming and I found some writing work that will help pay bills so my stress is depleting while my spirits are rising. Finally. I'm mostly an optimistic person so these dulls never take me over for too long.

I've written for the paying gig and now I know more about bentonite magma and monocular depth cues :) - yes, I'm writing STUFF stuff - but hey - it's all money.

I saw my mum on Monday (we had dinner) and that was nice since I haven't seen her in awhile. I might see her Sunday too - I'm supposed to drive to see my sister who has or will have travelled to my neck of the woods (within a 100 miles) - should be fun.

Life is improving :)

Synopsis

What does it mean to love a vampire? Does it mean nights of pleasure, tempered with sweet pain? There is no more sensuous figure in dark fantasy than the vampire. Whether a powerful seductress who harnesses the night to her will or a mysterious and handsome demon lover who demands surrender in exchange for passion, BITES OF PASSION presents many incarnations of the ancient myth. Eight top authors explore themes of immortal love, the lust for blood (and other things), and the eternal struggle between light and dark. Sink your teeth into these stories of "the hunger," of need that can only be slaked after sundown, of the rush of blood and the scent of skin.

Contributing Authors:

Jessi Holhart
Eric Del Carlo
Ed Fuqua
Rakella Valencia
F.R.R. Mallory <----MEEEEE
A. N. Cortez
A. M. Hartnett
Thomas Marcinko

My story "The Longing" is one of my favorite stories ever so be sure to pop over to Ravenous Romance and get your BITE on :)

extra bucks

The semester is at the bitter end (that's where I've been lately) - and I've realized my bank account isn't what it should be - I'm looking for freelancer work or short 2-3 month contract work, hopefully telecommute. Writing, ghost writing, editing - all of these will work. Do you have any good sources or tips/resources for good gigs?

blogxaustion...

I'm in the final 2 weeks of school which means finishing school projects, midterms, lining up an honors sponsor, selecting fall classes and about 20 other things. I'm exhausted. I feel a bit like a pinball at this point, bouncing from spot to spot only to be popped out again to hurry to the next spot. I try to sleep a lot when I have the chance but I'm still tired. I know this is temporary but spring is always the most difficult - the end of double semesters.

The upside is always summer holidays and plans but so far I haven't decided exactly what those look like so I can't say I'm looking forward to more than having time off. I am looking forward to the absence of pressure I guess.

One of the difficult things about this summer is that I have to put together my honors thesis experiment in a rush and then hope it gets approved over the summer and it might mean I have to go in to fix stuff. It's a bit unclear. I feel like a dork for not really comprehending how everything works - a lot of school feels a bit random to me even though I know it isn't. Next semester I also have to start paying attention to the GRE test and which grad schools might be good for me. AKKKK!!!!

Ask me in 3 weeks - a week of sleep is likely to change everything :)

writing

The best decision I made this semester was to include a writing class in my schedule. This has kept me actively writing new material and submitting DURING the semester instead of in the gaps. I'm pleased to have several new pieces emerging and more story ideas than I can write at the moment. I find it emotionally hard to go for long periods with writing creatively and for myself so this has been a good bridge.

I am also pleased that I took a nonfiction course because I often write nonfiction but seldom write nonfiction essays. In fact, I remain uncertain of the distinctions between writing types and at this point I think those distinctions don't matter at all - what everyone seems to want is a good story, be it fiction or factual. I am also reminded how strong I am at this end of the writing spectrum. I've done a huge amount of nonfiction article writing over the years and at this point I can tell that the work is in there.

I've also reached a new level in terms of how marketable I think my writing is becoming. So much of this world centers in self confidence and preventing personal sabotage. Sure, you need to work your skill sets to a nice, smooth place - but, there are a lot of really good writers in the world and what seems to propel one forward more than another is often centered in how the writer sees themselves. Confidence gets you to submit work and submit work and submit work. It fights against the negativity of certain rejection. Prevailing will eventually deliver sales and then name recognition will improve sales timing etc... But, right in the middle of all of that is the person who must find the inner wherewithal to endure. In addition to confidence or because of a type of confidence - the ability to get bloody, get real, get relevant also emerges. In a way it is a surrender and an empowerment at the same time. When the Emperor Wears New Clothes - he's naked.

conquering april...

I had a reading. It was my first this year and turned out pretty good. I dished more about it on my other blog. I wanted to mention it here because now there is a possibility I will be heading to Huntsville as a NASA guest to do promotional stuff for it. Cool. Now I need to raise some funds to cover expenses. Hmmm.

It's Monday and lovely and I'm feeling like writing and everything is good with the world. Sometimes I feel that it's important to acknowledge the mundane blessings of living. The semester is heading toward a wrap up and I'm liking that too - I hope I have enough funds for a simple summer but I know to be flexible and trust a bit too. My son is in a more helpful mood so together we should figure everything out. I'm currently stuffing all my extra pennies against my couple credit cards in order to shove my FICA score up - this is a good thing but yeowww the pinch pinches....

I'm thinking I'll try to snag some freelance over the summer or talk my big client into some work - basically I'm asking the universe to provide for the gap. So, "Hey Universe -- please send some cash my way -- much obliged!!!"

Oh, on another note - one of my housemates has a new sweetie called Shannon whom she calls a he but he is a she with excellent eyes and a good face - I'm watching said housemate process what may be a lifechanging shift for her. Interesting. :) My intuition is telling me they could end up 'really' together which might mean my housemate moves. I'm interested to see if I'm right on this one :)

the line of stuff...

My agenda for the day is too long. I have a midterm on Monday morning and everything wants to interrupt my studies. I have two persons coming to look at the room, my son has the yard full of yard sale, I came home to cat litter not cleaned and son's excuses and I have this list :(((

I hate doing things in the chop or cutting from one project to the next to the next - I always feel like I do a poor job at all of them and I don't end up feeling satisfied. I can't start the next thing till these people come in and out. ::sigh:: So, I'm a bit stuck with frustrated feelings for at least a little while more today.

On the up side my door is open and the birds in the water dept property next door are very happy and chirpy - they are certain summer is on us. I found a hole in a hose ::sigh:: and tons of cobwebs (new) - California is notorious for webs - we have very busy aracnids. Still, it's lovely out there and I really have minimal reasons for the complaints I'm offering.

Ding goes the bell - so, I'm off till later...

what it means to be a woman

Today I'm reminded what it means to be a woman.

In a profound way the feminine is illuminated by the ritual cycle of menstruation. Women maintain a level of exposure to harm through their vaginal opening, this is a persisting sacrifice or ongoing area that is in constant defense -- something like a forty-year wound. Women devote resources to this aspect of self over an incredible span of their lives. While primarily active, this process bends or informs a woman toward acts of compliance and mediation. When people talk about free will, I generally know they aren't women talking. When thought and behavior are directly influenced by hormones and other powerful in-body chemicals - free will isn't really free. I've often thought that choice exists but during her fertile years a woman is bent to the plow of reproduction, of raising offspring. Her body is designed to tolerate the intrusion of men, bringing with them every possible sort of crud.

Why are women less likely to sleep around? One or two bouts of hives or internal burning promptly smacks her around into understanding her risk exposure. Survival is when you limit disease.

Women pay for access. When reproduction doesn't occur women sluff off part of their body. This involves pain and a sense of loss. It involves anger and irritation, resentment and again, that certain awareness that their own body is temporarily in service to both men and species.

When women speak of empowerment, they must, also, speak of the bondage of the reproductive process. As a woman ages and her contract with men, children, species diminishes, often she feels a rise within as the unknown non-bonded woman wakens - as hormones diminish and the primeval power of the contract fades in ever lessening importance - then, the woman feels the feminine and a new neutrality that no longer devotes resources to reproductive process. It becomes less important to groom for attraction, to comply for acceptance - value is no longer measured by the number of eggs residing within her. As each thread of bondage lifts her innate energy returns, her motivations clarify, her ideas flourish. This is how women come into their power -- through the process of discarding reproduction and all its hidden vampires.

mystical experiences

A friend posted a question about what a person might consider a mystical experience.

I tend to think of such experiences in differing ways. Spontaneous or erupting type experiences are those that I'm unprepared for, that shock my senses to a sudden sense of expanded sensory life. In those moments everything gets bigger, stronger, more smelly, more textural, more acute and my experience of the temporal transforms or changes such that my internal log of linear time stops.

My most recent event of this kind was two years ago when I flew in to Maui for the first time. I wasn't prepared for the way the mountains floated with clouds much like a fine Japanese painting. I had an immediate sense of being in the presence of the goddess of NEEDING to go to Haliakula (sp?) and perform a ritual. This unexpected feeling stayed with me over the 10 days I was on the island and prompted me into the collection of objects including such things as black rocks, seashells, rare bits of coral, handfuls of flowers, frankensence (sp?) and a watercolor painting I did myself. I traveled to the goddess and stood on her heights and burned incense while these tokens rested close to me. I'm not a ritual type person so this was quite extraordinary for me.

I've done a lot of altered state of consciousness work over the course of my life and most of that work is through a mechanical means of entering such states. The most profound of these experiences was done using simple holotropic breath work which caused a transcendent experience which dealt primarily with an experience of Mary Magdalene and the sense of levitation.

However, the pivotal moments of my life are not augmented with altered body chemistries or the sudden experience of great beauty. Often I have a more subtle sense of 'wakening' where I am suddenly certain of an action I must take - often an action that surprises those around me as it isn't supported by a process of arrival. In these transitional moments I become aware of a new direction - the most notable recent occurances of this process was the moment I decided to return to college. One day I wasn't thinking about it at all and the next day I was taking an assessment test. When my mother asked me what was going on - I had to think a long time about what I was responding to - my sense was/is that I am compelled to this path - it is a cosmic prompt or if you are religious, I'm on a mission from God. Once engaged I become like a juggernaut striding forward, through, around, over, or surrendered to the obstacles littering my path. It's over there, is the vague sense I have of where I'm going although I have a larger sense that something I do may be useful to many or many many, even though that smacks of narcissism. Since I don't exactly know what that might be, I can't claim it either :)

All I can say is that such motivations become progressively more freeing. Since I am a writer this has emerged over the past six months or so with an attitude of going for it - I don't really care what the university expects or what teachers expect or what they assign - I write for posterity in some way. I'm supposed to go after what nudges me - that is my sense of the mystical presence in this.

A different type of mystical experience also needs to be mentioned. Sex. When two or more humans intentionally engage in orgasmic processes that include deep breath work the arc goes toward the third level or divine orgasmic experience where corporeal experience is transformed into divine engagement. The sense of the experience is that each person is touching the face of god, communing with god. This fundamental creation experience is what I feel is meant by the word intimacy and it is almost unachievable due to most people having so many issues with sexuality in our culture.

resistance...

One of my struggles, as a writer, is that I always want to write when something else is pending. I have this contrary streak that shows up and torments me.

Today, I want to write - I NEED to study, but I want to write. How weak am I? Pretty weak! Even though the reading part of the studying isn't really a ghastly book - still, it is homework and that alone makes it negative!!!

So, I wrote 2000 throw-away words last night. Not really, the scene I depicted was actually quite good but in retrospect I don't think it accelerates enough to just thrust the reader into the story. So, I will save it for some blurry future work and center on my core story.

See - I'm already cheating.

I'm weak!

equal pay day...

So, apparently it is equal pay day.

My suggestion of support is for men to ask the women doing their same job what their pay is - then the man should calculate when he reaches that daily amount based on HIS pay. He should then get up - put an EQUAL PAY sign on his workstation and LEAVE. Essentially, this should leave a lot of businesses with just women working and would illustrate how much longer a woman needs to work just to be even with her co-working male. On average - he should leave at 6 hours per her 8 hour day.

Support women - demand equal pay - TODAY!!!

SALE!!!

"The Longing"

This is my first EVER Vampire short story sale and I'm absolutely thrilled about it because it also sold to one of my favorite editors. Those of you who've written vampires know how hard it is to do something new and I have a lifelong dream to successfully conquer the tropes as part of my story writing abilities. This one was HUGE for me.

I will post the EXACT details of the sale as they are firmed up and so that each of you can purchase a copy at the earliest possible time. Trust me, this ain't your regular vampire story :)

oblivious flirting...

So, in the midst of thinking about other things I've been looking at my issues around dating. The truth is that I haven't dated in a couple years. My tastes are -- eclectic and a bit eccentric. I'm aware that there have been both men and women who have tried to flirt with me. In the moment of the actual flirting I am obtuse - shocked really. Huh?

One man, who flirted with me, basically talked about my rather expansive chest which was at that moment somewhat constrained in a corset. I remember thinking, what is he talking about, is something showing that I hadn't intended to show? One woman, who flirted with me, wanted to caravan across six states with me - basically sharing a hotel room. I remember thinking, OMG I snore like a freight train.

Basically, my mind is over ----------> there, at some busy point unrelated to amorous relations.

I think about dating and want to scratch...and the complications of actually doing something sexual and having to like reserve person time on my selfish schedule....oh, how did I EVER manage that in the past?

And, why are they looking at me -- I've gone to great personal lengths to not be overly attractive. ::sigh:: What is WRONG with them?

Nothing can possibly be wrong with me, right?

The truth is that I have a dubious history, in sexual terms. Suffice to say that I'm an expert in odd things and have taught many sexuality classes. They say you work on sexual things when you are working on sexual issues. I am working on sexual issues - more accurately, I'm working on intimacy issues. The sex part is easy, the intimacy, not so much. I'm not particularly good at surrendering and my 'partners' are always victims of my ongoing analysis - I'm always looking for what's REALLY going on versus what they SAY is going on. Paranoia? Oh yeah. Suspicion? Oh yeah. People lie. In fact they lie when they think they aren't lying. I peel them, looking for their lies.

I trust failure.

This is mostly why I don't date. I go in looking for the wounding.

I'm not much good at investing. I know you'll be transient so why work that hard?

So, stop flirting with me unless you are really ready for the peel...

putting out fires...

Today I've felt like a walking fire hose, soaking random people who approach me with their problems. I don't exactly put out fires but I sure like getting them wet.

Some people make themselves natural targets to hear the woes of the world. Jobs like bartending and hair cutting are rife with closeted therapists who nod and pretend to listen to all the shenanigans of their clients. Other people just have the right kind of face or they are far too polite and actually LISTEN to people which instantly makes them the victims of 'woe dumpers' - now, I'm not saying we all shouldn't be friendly and helpful and all that - but, quite frankly, I don't really want to know the excrutiating details of who said what to whom and how you felt about it. Really, I like you but NO, I DON'T CARE THAT MUCH!!!

I'm a FIX oriented person. If you start in on X - I will want to immediately know what you are doing to SOLVE it, not analyze it. Move on. Move on. GAH - the thing is, very, very few people are actually looking for advice - they are looking for a nice clean spot to poop out their stuff so they can share the aroma of it. They don't actually TAKE or DO any of the advice. It is all about sharing their feelings. Pfft! I'm not all that chummy with my own feelings so what makes you think I want to borrow yours too?

Shared feelings always feel NONconsensual to me. Courtesy demands I listen to you, that I sit politely by so you can express fully. I'm held there by shared cultural expectations of decent behavior. Ukkk.

I am perfectly okay sharing your feelings - for a price. I charge a very reasonable $150 per hour for regular drivel and about $450 per hour for seriously whiny and stupid drivel. I promise not to recommend anything which might relieve you of your wallowing in indulgent misery. Yes, I can plot my next story while appearing to listen to you - nodding when appropriate. Cheap really. No strings attached.

consistent negativity...

I have several different critique groups and individuals that collectively give me imput on my writing. Most of the time I feel a deep and powerful appreciation that anyone would take their time and energy to help me out. I really am touched.

However, I have one person whom I've noticed has been consistently giving me strongly negative critiques and that their recommendations would 'gut' whatever piece they are looking at. On the one hand, I know their capabilities on a grammar/sentence level are excellent, and they have the ability to write well technically. On the other hand their own fiction stories don't hold together enough for a single fiction sale. They do make a lot of nonfiction sales.

On my last crit request, from the moment I sent them the piece, I had to prevent myself from polishing the piece and sending it off without their imput. I had already received several useful crits and this was the holdout. My internal argument was that it was not honorable to pre-dispose myself to ignore their critique. Then, I received their critique - and it wanted to gut the story. Basically, I don't feel I can apply any of their advice.

What I need to do is tell them that their critiques are not working for me. I've tried to make sure here that I'm not trying to disregard solid advice just because it is negative. But, I've now reached a point where I don't trust their opinion, so, for no other reason than that, I have to stop asking them to spend their valuable time and insight on my work. This will hurt their feelings and that bothers me.

I don't want to look at what might be motivating this reaction to my work, on their part. I don't want to impose meaning or ideas that are likely to be just my imagining. At some point I have to trust my writerly instinct even on days when I'm not feeling so confident. I haven't been following their advice for more than two years and my work has been receiving a lot more attention and increasing sales. What I need to look at is why I might maintain a relationship so long after it was 'done' - and how I, as a writer, may have used this critic to sabotage myself.

I feel sad about it - but also a bit more free now that I've decided what I need to do to feel more in integrity with myself.

a new muse?

Since the beginning of the year I've noticed changes in what I'm choosing to write. I am still, generally, in the same area as before but there are some striking differences. First, I've written two erotica short stories this year and I can't tell you how long it's been - perhaps a decade, since the last time I had this urge. Second, my nonfiction writing is gearing up. Third, I've been getting the urge to write a S&S type story and last night I 'received' what looks like potentially a straight-up romance story. Uhmmm...Hello Muse - who ARE you and what did you do with my regular muse?

I'm not sure what to think about it. Perhaps I've simply waited long enough for new stories to arrive in these areas.

Generally, my muse gets all chatty at about the exact moment of my midterms - (this Thursday) and gets lazy at about the exact moment of my off time (next week)

I tend to think of this process as resistance. As a writer I'm often in personal conflict. I know that when I start it is like an addiction and I become rude to the world at large - I also know that the actual process is often exhausting. It didn't used to be this way. I used to feel more carefree, but, now, I bend into it and writing is like the furies of a storm. I want each stroke to 'make way' and to do so I must summon so much of me to the task.

I know that most people write crummy rough drafts but what comes out on my first run is often what most writers equate to a polished piece. This doesn't mean I don't need and do edits and revisions because I totally do - it's just that I've worked the frontal part of my creating process into a finer point over the years.

Most of my revisions are also scary - I'm getting used to putting a story in a drawer and starting over. Several writers 'watched' me do this one weekend and sorta freaked out. What I discovered, or the reason for doing such a complete new draft, is that by the time I reach the end of the story the first time, I actually know the story. If I start with knowing, it will develop organically in a different way. In a sense it is all about refining. And, it is all about risk taking.

Friday edits...

I was rather busy today and only somewhat happy about it. One of my editors wanted me to add 500 - 1000 words to a short story and that isn't really a problem except that my draft came in at 1700 words and I'm in an insecure mood today so I dithered and dithered and my beta readers were unavailable and it HAD TO BE emailed today (deadline) so I eventually did two versions - I kept the long one and then did a major trim to just over 900 words on it and sent that version too. That way, if she blocked space in the edition and ONLY has 1000 words max then she has a version that will work - if, on the other hand, she has ample room and/or likes the longer version more, then it is also available. ::sigh::

I hates these moods.

Mostly I don't have issues with my confidence. I'm long enough into this that I know that my writing is quite nice most of the time. I can write drek but generally I don't.

I think this was a combination of a rush deadline and the absolute lack of time I had all week. On Mondays and Tuesdays I leave the house around 6am and get home after 9pm and have to be in bed by 10pm for anything remotely like real sleep. Plus, I had a research paper due on Thursday and an advisor meeting on Wednesday and everything compounded to make me unable to focus on the delicate aspects of erotic sex - yes, that was what needed expansion in the story :)

I have to be somewhat horny to write erotica well - so that means I have to think about sex or someone sexy for a few hours and you just can't manage that at school (ewwww) - I think I did okay. The other problem is that my story isn't formulaic - I have a third element that mucks around with the plot throughout and I couldn't just forget that for the ending - this means that orgasm is never entirely reached although I 'think' I still manage to satisfy the reader both sexually and with the ending. Dunno - see how I DITHER???

On the up side I feel rather cheerful to write 2 new erotica stories this year when I haven't written one in several years. I went away from erotica intentionally but always wanted to work with this one editor and when she mentioned how she couldn't find the right pieces and she extended her deadlines - well, I decided why not try - the worst I could do was fail to a form rejection letter.

That is what I wrote on my winter break - in between grouting my porch. My second erotica piece was also an accident - the submissions posting happened to be about a workshop I used to facilitate and almost immediately I had one of those 'moments' and off we went. That story is still in critique with a submission deadline of April 1st.

I have a science fiction / fantasy short story due a week from Wednesday and I haven't even started it. Pesk.

good ideas...

You know that realization when you are critting someone and you go beyond the scope of their current work and you see the sort of film settle over their eyes and you know they won't ''go'' there and too bad. That happened in my nonfiction class today. The difficulty with participating in a workshop full of young people is that they don't have life experience and their grasp on history is iffy - so when someone old like me is in the room and I read what they wrote but KNOW that their explanation is merely their lack of research - that's fatal. Generally I shut up but today I offered them the means to take their essay beyond self indulgence. Too bad. Cool subject. ::sigh::

One of the things that seems to surprise my classmates is how much of their life they should research when writing. The idea that they are writing memoir seems to suggest to them that they are experts when this just isn't so. In one story the girl centers the story on a catfish alternately called a crawdad. Is it important? I don't know except to say that because it was called both names I wondered if it was a catfish. The detail in our world is important, at least to me as a writer. What happens is that there is a tendency to write against a blue screen. Vague surroundings are the norm.

The teacher - always comments on my specificity. I don't want my readers to be vaguely somewhere doing vaguely something while the protagonist has meaningful thoughts. The WHOLE story has to lift -

In any case, mostly I keep my mouth shut and practice exercising generosity of critique.

migraines...

My son, who is 28, had a problem last night. Basically I've been working with my son for about 8 years on mistakes I made while raising him which caused him issues as an adult. He has made a lot of progress but he still has 'stuff' - last night one of those popped up like a zit - really. He cornered me in my bedroom to 'talk' and I explained to him that as you work through one big issue, eventually it fades out and under it you find other issues that are lurking or hidden and they pop up like zits - free at last.

We had a good discussion but it is stressful. This lesson costs me $1250 bucks - more or less, since part of his current issue is around reactive spending and I'm his damn safety net.

On the one hand this is all good because HE CAME TO ME - on the other hand @#%^$@# there goes bucks...sigh.

Once again I suggested he go to a therapist - once again he rejected that saying it was hard enough telling me stuff. GAH!!! This is one of the downsides of being in psychology - advice or expertise. ::sigh:: Still, I have to own my stuff too here. So we muddle forward.

The problem is that I have Celiacs and I had been marginally naughty about 30 minutes before his 'confession' and most of the time I can get away with a naughty here and there - but when you add stress to naughty my Celiacs bursts out with a full on migraine and that was my reward - that and my dog was very active last night and wouldn't let me sleep. That led to me staying home from morning classes to get rid of the migraine (they last from 12-18 hours from onset) - I'm in the nearly recovered part right now and will head to school in another hour or so.

nice editors...

OMG I almost have good news -

A certain editor wrote me a very very nice note which has me quite happy at the moment. I am hoping this will translate into more good news within a week or so. YEAH!!!

This is for the story that I wrote during my winter break so I am quite pleased that it is receiving such a good reception. I don't have many stories out at the moment because I had them on my older MAC laptop and they were not transferring to this PC well at all. However, I put them on my thumb drive and I'm hopeful that this week I can muck with the school's big MACS and get them in a form that the PC will tolerate. It is daunting - I moved hundreds of things off the MAC - about 80 or so are stories - then there were novels and starts and trunked stuff and well, you get the picture. In any case my "new" group of stories is pretty much submitted - except for the last piece which is still in crit, hope to polish in about a week. I'm quite pleased with the state of my writing at the moment - I seem to have improved when I wasn't looking. :)

My cat story was reviewed in class today and it was really quite funny. This is a non-fiction non-academic essay that I decided to structure like a Stephen King short story - my objective was to shock my readers both because this is non-fiction and it is unexpected content. Boy was I successful :::gleeful hee hee::: They were trying to figure out how I managed to be creepy and nonfiction at the same time. Was totally funny. Got pinned in the hall later by people wanting to confirm that my story is true :))))))

Stephen King must know a thing or two about structure LMAO

Most of them complained about my one whole paragraph about the town - not because it wasn't good - but because they thought the story was about something else and then I twisted it. So satisfying - really - I need to do Stephen King again....very very fun.

All of them seemed to think I need to publish this like immediately - because it scared them and it should be out there in the public eye. :::hee hee:::

I do need to add a bit more to it but I knew that, we are required to do a revision so I left room to do that when I turned it in to the class.

Plus - I found 9 dollars on the ground today. WOW!!!

Someone is smiling on me today!

screening for agreement...

For the person reading this blog who, on their own blog screens out posts that are not in agreement with her - bad form.

As I see it, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution - not both. Racism will not end with people clinging to it as a means of justifying their own racist actions. You either work toward ending hatred or spreading it. Decide if the demon you think you fight is reflected in your own mirror.

Anyone can scream about how victimized they are - it is much more difficult to do the work of healing which requires a surrender of your guns.

RACE FAIL -

I've grown annoyed with the circling behavior where people present the position that 'writing vile crap about each other' will IMPROVE anything. Violence doesn't cure or improve violence and words can be just as violent and hurtful as other types of actions - they are registered in the body and mind as equivalent injuries.

Morgan Freeman in conversation with Mike Wallace said:

“You’re going to relegate my history to a month?” Freeman asks Wallace. After noting there is no “white history month,” he says, “I don’t want a black history month. Black history is American history,” he tells Wallace.

The notion of a special month for black history may be hurting rather than helping efforts for racial equality, Freeman believes. When Wallace wonders whether racist attitudes may be harder to eradicate without the education that Black History Month provides, Freeman retorts: “How are we going to get rid of racism? Stop talking about it!”

Freeman believes the labels “black” and “white” are an obstacle to beating racism. “I am going to stop calling you a white man and I’m going to ask you to stop calling me a black man,” he says. “I know you as Mike Wallace. You know me as Morgan Freeman. You wouldn’t say, ‘Well, I know this white guy named Mike Wallace.’ You know what I’m saying?”

What he said was controversial but important. Narrative has a place in processing wounding and that place should be validated and supported. But, who is that narrative for? Do we have good black writers engaged in writing about the WHITE experience of black slavery from a perspective of cultural damage of white descendents? Why would they? That wound isn't 'visceral' for a black person. White writers are, inevitably, going to approach the material from a different wounded position than a black writer will.

When RACIAL FAIL '09 gets around to being about HEALING PROCESS rather than privilege of written assault under the guise of defense - then maybe we will see a reduction in all the inflated egos pretending to injury. Healing isn't nearly so glamorous as screaming the words RACIST and WHITE PRIVILEGE while a chorus of people congratulate you for being violent and racist - the very thing you are SCREAMING about.

things I wish I'd said...

I've been a slush reader for the Berkeley Fiction Review this semester and for the most part that means scowling at mediocre short stories - looking for reasons to like them. Bah - most of them are plotless wonders and I keep thinking I've missed something - do literary shorts no longer need to have an actual story in there?

We have passed a few up the editorial line but even those I wouldn't buy if it were my money on the line. I know the Review is a for-love market but really....

However, this week at the editorial meeting the dude next to me said something I wish I'd said - we were reviewing a story that had made it out of slush and it had a few issues - during the comment phase he says, "This story gave me literary blue-balls."

I choked and tried not to snort up my guts from laughing - OMG and he was SO right about the problem with the story.

it's Sci Fi night....

Okay, let me type something before hitting enter...

My science fiction class is going on or sorta starting but not for real yet...the rain has stopped - mostly and I lost my bike key but luckily I had my extra with me ::sigh:: this means that I will have fun for 2 hours and then get home really late.

I have two writing pieces due like now - this means I have to get busy - I did some research today and the more I read the better I'm liking my nonfic one - I think I have lots of meat to play with. My fiction piece is being pressured by other tempting stories trying to get my attention too - what's up with that? Actually, I have a problem with being seduced by the dark side - topics, prompts - anything but what I 'should' be writing.

More later - peeps is showing up...

boo boo car...

Monday, in the middle of a rain squall, I got into a very slow fender bender. Basically if I didn't point out the dent you wouldn't see it - still, the car wasn't drivable over 5mph - turns out I snapped a tie-rod end. Car is still in shop to be all spiffed up. I'm hoping to organize a rental today or tomorrow as my son is sick of mom driving his truck.

My refi also tanked. My experience of refi's has been checkered - mostly I get 9/10 through the process before some underwriter manager asks a dumb question like has my house ever moved??!?? wtf?

no

My house, contrary to popular belief does not have chicken legs under it. This is due to my house being of non-standard construction which causes the appraisers ten kinds of misery and confuses brokers. I'm rather used to this process but it is annoying - my last refi took me 8 months and 3 appraisals to get.

Still, it tanked less than a week to closing - bastards!!!

I may need to wait for further bank recovery before trying again - that will put more companies back in the business of writing loans - more competition and creativity - right now banks have plugs up butts.

Consider this - I've never been behind on a payment - I have a long owner history - STILL they are having cows - who do they think they want? I can imagine what someone who has missed payments is getting (the treatment) I saw in one show where a congresswoman was calling BoA on behalf of a constituent and 3 hours later reached a human - she was on hold 3 hours - even after the human she was cut off - again. Gimme a break - if you want the economy to work you have to allow people to do the stuff they do - like get banking business done.

balance

I have this theory that in every life there is a balance and this is why we have good and bad things all sprinkled together. I also imagine that a lot of what I want to think is bad really isn't bad, just inconvenient or costing me money. However, underlying all of this is like a double stranded rope that needs both aspects to stay in balance.

Last week I managed to unseat my video card which put me off posting except using other computers which really slogged me up - but the fix was actually quite cheap. Then I fell into writing an erotica short story when I should have been doing homework and client business and about 20 other things and my refi stuff was primarily approved. However, I had to stay home from school to fix a few loose threads which resulted in a fender bender that did very little visual damage but screwed with my steering which means I'm home today to take car in for $$$ work - but after the bender the paperwork materialized that was missing all except a copy I have to make today. Hmmm. So, I can't claim bad without good and who knows - keeping me off the 101 may have saved me from a real accident and most of my paperwork should be totally totally finished in a few hours. Plus, I rewrapped my dogs leg which was funky and we both slept last night because I put up the dog gate which kept him from sneaking off to lick at it (he tries to remove it when I'm not looking) He was mad at me then but he is now well rested too - imagine that :)

Like I mentioned - it's about a sort of balance. Yesterday I also got approved for a fairly big reading with lots of opportunity for buzz. When I collect everything together it ain't so bad and even though I now get to spend some bucks, I wasn't hurt, it's sunny today (was rainy) and, I could almost work today too.

When I was young I sometimes fell into that mode of seeing the glass half empty, everything added to the burden - I WAS A VICTIM. But the thing is, life has pressure and you either get little vents or big ones and I'm damn scared of big ones so I will accept little ones. Obviously I needed these two odd days - why??? dunno. But I have them this way. So, they are a blessing in this form.

my favorite activities

I have lots of weekends where my favorite activities include cuddling with various animals (they change) - Chester is my elder statesman cat even though he is exactly the same age as Whiner but Chester's personality is one of dignified acceptance and sneaky attacks on other cats and occasionally my toes. He likes to climb up the bed (he can no longer leap so far) and if I make the horrid mistake of extruding parts of my body near that spot in the bed his claws will climb me (not so fun) Chester likes to walk over me (expressing his authority) before finding some slightly inconvenient place to snuggle against my body heat.

I have a lot of body heat.

Chester tends to want to be close to my face (quite alarming) and I often think he is contemplating eating me while I sleep (he's a tad fat) - he's learned I will not get out of the bed to open or close the door for him - this discovery did not please him and occasionally, when he remembers it, he punishes me by puking on my covers or otherwise expressing his disdain for my lack of compliance.

Winky is my son's chocolate Siamese. He hates me. He thinks I'm okay. I raised him mostly and back then he loved me. But a lot happened in the gap. My son rushed him in here several months ago (I'm allergic to him) - Winky had stopped eating and had dropped half his weight. The weight-loss thing was intentional but then he stopped eating completely and the vet pronounced he had this liver problem and that potential problem and my son, being a poor University student, couldn't face Winky dying and knew that sometimes mom does things.

So, Winky arrived in my bedroom -- again. This time the poor cat was puking water 3-4 times a day, would barely move. I slid my dog door shut because Winky can't live outdoors while my other cats have pottied outside for years. Winky was then confronted with two old male cats and a large dog. He knew my dog well having grown up with him. But, the cats... oh my...

I told my son he wouldn't be able to help himself -- that Winky was terribly depressed because he was alone almost all the time. My old mean cats were his medicine. My room became caterwauling hell for awhile. Did I mention I'm allergic to cats? -- particularly Siamese? BAH!!!

My son would come in here on tippy-toes and sit at the edge of a chair and over the next week he saw his cat moving around - then eating - then fighting and all the time WATCHING the other cats. As you might imagine my cats were none to pleased with this young interloper and they told him so frequently. As Winky discovered, he was younger and bigger and stronger than either of them - Ah hah!

So, Winky isn't too happy with me having OTHER cats in here. My cats aren't too happy with having Winky in here. My poor dog does his best to avoid accidentally being close to an erupting fight -- Winky expresses his growing dominance by laying ON TOP my feet.

So, weekends have Chester trying to eat my face while I sleep and Winky keeping a close eye on the primo location (my feet where 3 rooms are visible) Whiner sits on my chair and rumbles.

Winky -- he is getting fatter again. I need to switch up the cheap food for better and less tasty fare. He got over all those problems the vet charged $400 to diagnose.

My son knows I did something. He isn't sure what - he isn't sure he ever wants to really know but he happily plays with Winky and he cleans up the litter box (our current trade) Soon, maybe this summer, he will finish his apartment renovation and find a second cat for Winky to love and hate. He used to have a cat named Charlie who died about six months before Winky got sick.

Until then, my bedroom is the hub of activity with three ornery cats, a dog with a permanent split on one leg and a visiting dog from my housemate who is a food whore and likes to chase cats. Everyone comes in here. I need my sleep. ::sneeze::

do you really want to write?

Why?

No. Don't answer that - it's a trick question.

You don't have to defend yourself. If you want to write there is no defense. If you defend yourself it means you don't possess whatever it is you are defending. If you possess it or if it possesses you - then that game is in the past faded into a curl of smoke.

If people ask - laugh.

If people try to tell you not to - walk on...

After all, if it's inside of you, how do you abandon it? Could you? Why would you abandon you?

Love you - reach out and hold your hand - it's okay to write...

false humility

So, I'm ranting a bit today --

Know how I got here? Lots and lots of hard work. Know how I stay here? Lots and lots of hard work.

There is a faction of writers who find it necessary to lay disclaimers on their work, on their success or even on their fail. They'll never measure up to goobityhoobity over there ::pointing:: It makes me want to wear pointy shoes.

Humility isn't disclaiming ownership or deferring cause - it is the lack of FALSE pride. If you work your ass off and jump through hoops and you forge a meager success for yourself - it is perfectly okay to be truthful about it. Pride is one of those levers that some people use as a means of controlling the behaviors of others. Can you be proud of things you shouldn't - sure. You can be proud of your race when that was an accident of fate. You can be proud of your wealth when your parents or ancestors earned it and all you did was happen to be born to them - these are unearned tokens of merit or value that have nothing to do with YOU beyond complicating your understanding of self. The world is full of false tokens of personal success but when you get right down to it - what you do with your hands and your mind, that is earned. Received is received - earned is earned.

There is pleasure to be found in working hard - at watching what you do improve along a gradient easily comparable to your work. You can build something with your hands or with your mind, building your thinking, ideas, hopes. It is okay to experience this pleasure - you are human, you were made with the capacity to do this thing we call create. Hiding behind false words merely makes you a liar to yourself and that undercuts what you were trying to do with all of this anyway.

Coraline

I took my son to the movies tonight to see Coraline in 3D.

It was fun and the best part was spending some non-normal time with my son. The film was well made, the characters nifty and the story is mostly what Neil Gaiman wrote. I didn't think it was great - just good. I'm not sure why I quantify it this way except to say that I felt it was overacted and considering that these are animations, that kind of comment might seem weird. The actual book was a bit softer and perhaps a bit more scary - this was very polished and a bit less real.

I think any time a book is made into a movie it suffers the comparison between the two. Overall, I'm pleased I went to see it on the big screen because I don't do that much these days. I like Coraline (hence my icon) and it polished off my weekend rather nicely. I didn't have a real dinner tonight even though we planned chicken and rice - because our first venture to the theater was find it sold out and the second we pre-purchased - somehow dinner never happened.

I also did some writing this weekend and I've once again come to the conclusion that perhaps my writing pendulum is once again swinging back toward novel length - everything I start writing instantly expands and I play hell trying to corral it into something anywhere near short story length. I'm hoping that by summer I may crack out a novel or two - I may be good enough to do it now. We shall see :)

worms...cure for all that ails sinners...

I'm sick - and it SUCKS!!!

I should go out in the garden and eat some worms...

no excuse...

With no excuse not to - I should write today - I don't usually attempt to write in congested cafes but that is where I am and there is a plug so its a good spot and the seat has a cushion which is a double blessing so I think I will endeavor to overcome the distractions and put fingers to keyboard.

It is a warm day and my bike is repaired and working excellent - one class cancelled and the next is more than 5 hours away - not enough time to go home plus I wouldn't pay 2 tolls in one day - so my excuses run out.

I am still coughing up a bear in my chest - and my son didn't feel well last night and was in and out of my bedroom all night - so tonight I look forward to a less disturbed night of sleep.

fighting the cold...

Today is all about recognition of and fighting the cold. This one snuck up on me with a week of sour tummy (should have known) and then yesterday I started coughing - but this was literally immediately after my son yanked up the first piece of carpet from my room. I thought I inhaled crud (which I'm sure I did) but removal to a clean room and 12 hours later I was sore in throat and chest :(

On the good side - I am home today so I can rest a bit. My bike was repaired (YAY!) and I bought enough groceries for a whole month (not really but it looks like I have) so I can lay around and EAT!!!

I also read a friends post where their RoF story was already bounced back and the weird thing is - I recognize from their comments that it is the SAME market I sent mine too - so far, me no bounce back - hah, I can imagine good things outa nothing :)))

At this point I'm willing to tell myself all kinds of tales to feel good...

colonialism

So, it's true, I put my foot into the mess of 'racism' posts - sufficiently so that the blog owner asked me in a not so polite manner to LEAVE!

:)

One of the threads I am following involves a discussion about the almost exclusively all-white characters in most fantasy works.

Now, let me be pretty clear here - I fell out of love with a lot of fantasy material around the time that every book became a medieval something or other quest type princess save the world type epic. I just had a knee jerk reaction to it.

Now, let me make a confession - back when I was 14 or so I went through a romance novel phase. I particularly liked the Barbara Cartland and Gothic Romances and books with titles like the "Lion and the peanut" (making that up) but you know the ones I mean. I must have read 500+ of the things in about a year and then - poof, I moved on.

At the time I didn't make much of the situation. My life as a child, a reading child, was all about pissing off my parents. They felt that punishment for inappropriate behavior was to require said child to read say 3 hours of James Joyce - at ll years old. My parents approved of literature. So, what's the surprise that I developed a fast affection for pulp by hackneyed writers. So in the years prior to Romance Novels I read my way through Zane Grey westerns, Tom Swift, Nancy Drew, Nurse Nan and the endless list of serialized works. Yes, I read non-serial works too - but gathering collections was a really good way to earn a parental glare and thrown up hands.

However, today I got to re-thinking something I said last night in the mess. Back when I was 14 Romance books were booming - they were literally flying off the shelves so fast they left contrails. Now, most romance novels are like potatoe chips - a lot alike. So, what fueled this boom? Going back in time I should point out that at that exact same time women were also burning their bras (foolish) to represent female freedom (not foolish) - so how are these two things connected?

Well, last night I suggested that the boom in romance novels was a feminist reaction to the transforming female role in the American culture. Women were achieving more money at work but paying a price in the bedroom. Being raised in a culture one way and having underlying issues change during your life time is complicated. Women began 'testing' the cultural mythos on which they were raised by playing out every possible variant of that mythos within the framework of romance novels.

Eventually, most romance novel readers reached a point of cultural saturation and sales tapered off a bit and the demand became stranger or we started to see a mixture of speculative fiction entering the romance market.

Now, back to my thoughts about current fantasy offerings. Remember when I mentioned I was a bit turned off by all the medieval quest things? Why? If my speculation about romance has any legs then what is fantasy doing or about? One thing I also don't like is books full of armys and warfare and KINGS!!! Why? Well, because that is my family history, my cultural history -- that is a cunieform for COLONIALISM. Fantasy is probably written by more women than men at this point and it seems to me that underlying these adventures are issues of female power and colonialism as a mechanism of change. Almost always the princess/female has some extraordinary gift - she isn't enough as a regular woman - and she is charged to find some relic to save the world from EVIL - or the king next door.

What are women really fighting? Sure, I said colonialism but that is probably an issue I could make an argument for across genres - they are also fighting a battle of the extraordinary woman hard pressed (she is close to losing everything) What are women losing?

Now we can shift a bit to look at Supernatural romances and again we see where the male is no longer even human - he has become magical and 'authority figure' which is representational or a metaphor. Her love and devotion are being examined against ideals, morality, religious dictates - and she is being compelled by the magical - a force beyond resistance.

Now, I could also make the argument about the alpha male mythos and how it becomes possible to speculate that this archtype is moving toward extinction.

I am not really venturing answers today - except to say that nothing is ever quite what it seems. It is my suggestion that the publishing giants are missing the boat - WOMEN ARE THINKING - they read, they devour books, they think in the round, slowly...and then one day they close the cover of that book and move on.

Books are about the struggle.

away...

I am just adapting to my new school schedule. My son (who is 29 years old today) looked at my schedule in horror because I have 3+ hour gaps on each day. He doesn't understand - I didn't want to come to school like last semester and hustle from class to class and then race home. Why be at a place like Berkeley and NOT experience it. I can't live here so having time to actually hang out is really important - plus, I can use my laptop to do homework and goof off too.

It was a choice. It was hard last night because I left campus at 7;30pm and didn't get home for an hour and then I had to leave at 6am - this left little time to do much at home so I basically didn't do much. The hard side of this is that, as you know, my pooch Bogey was diagnosed with bone cancer last December so he has to wear a splint that basically MUST be there forever. He has adapted nicely so far and gets around quite well - he also uses it to smash things (another story) - but it also means he tries to get it off so when I am not around he eventually will tear at it. This means I've tried to enroll other people to keep one eye on him as they can. Wednesdays I haven't solved yet but I'm hoping my refi will go through and allow me to hire someone for that day - they can clean too :) Until I sort that out we are all pitching in to keep him safe.

I have told myself not to feel guilty for not staying home with him. He lays around a lot and would simply lay around with me home too - that is just how it is. I give him lots of love and attention when I do get home and 3 days a week I am there all the time. it needs to be enough for my conscience.

Today, in class, they reviewed a nonfiction piece I wrote Monday. The thing is - I can't tell them that - that the piece was written between classes on Monday - it would make some of them uncomfortable.

As it turns out - the piece rather rocks - that is basically what I was told. One of the things that really got a lot of talk was the juxtaposition of specific detail against vague characters. I write the piece in third person present tense as in "She opened the door..." - I never identify anyone except in relationship each to the other so you have Her mother or His father - I did this to allow the reader to shape the characters as they see fit - even though this is nonfiction and based on very real people. I also rely a lot on metaphor and a sort of ominous tone. It was fun to write.

thinking the essay...

I had a great time in my nonfiction class today with the exception that I got volunteered to submit an essay...like...today. Hmmm. That really isn't a problem because I write fast and can generate something but I'm not sure what the appropriate length should be. We have NO guidelines.

I'm thinking 2-3000 maybe?

My next class isn't for two more hours so I might get it done in between - or at least started. I'm only marginally anxious. I have a sneaky suspicion that I am somewhat ahead in the general field of writing (compared to the class)

The hard thing about being an old person in a class full of young people is that it is easy to be too much. I know what it was like to be 20 and how indecisive I was and how I didn't know too much about the world or myself. My general rule is to keep my mouth shut until or if the professor needs someone to talk and then I try to keep things simple. I don't always succeed though. Twice today I got into subject matter that was clearly a shock to some of the students. I hope it doesn't put anyone off.

The reverse of this is that I really am in the class to improve my own writing. As the professor mentioned - people have to start where they are. I can no more pretend to be 20 than I could grow wings on my butt and fly.

So, I should stop procrastinating by blogging...huh?

middle school children's lit

Last semester I took a Junior Seminar (required) in English and it was a Children's Lit class. It was fun and I got to read 11 good books or mostly good.

I was really impressed by some of the newer ones. They felt so fresh and real compared to some of the science fiction and fantasy works I've read that is directed at adults. They are strongly character driven and the plot problems are generally close to home - what might be thought of as simple problems but which are really big problems in the perspective of a child. The level of detail in these books also made me happy. The characters were varied and unapologetically like people in real life. Some were larger than life but still believable too. There simply wasn't any caricature.

There were also no stand-in characters. Each person was given space to come alive in the story. Yes, I am speaking about award winning books and good writers and good writing.

I am tentatively in a fiction class at Berkeley (still on the waitlist tonight) and the teacher told us we will generate 45000 words for the class. I kind of took a mental step back. That is 4 ME size novellas and about 10 regular length short stories. The teacher doesn't care what we write in terms of short story or chapters but is interested we write long.

When I thought about 45,000 words I knew that was edging close to the size of a mid-grade children's lit book. Could I do that? Do I want to?

I have written novels before but none are intentionally for children.

My answer came in the powder room where all great thinking takes place (IMO) - I started getting story fragments which is generally a good sign that I have something getting ready to come out. I have a setting, a few characters and all I need is a simple problem, which I also think I have the beginnings of. As soon as I thought the thought, I got more stuff. So, once the professor gives me an ad code I think I'm going to write a children's novel. I may even start without an ad code. It's rather a nifty story idea. Small. Small story.

What's 45,000 words - a weekend?

classes...

It's a beautiful sunny day here in Berkeley and I feel good. I've been to 2 classes so far and hiked up the big hill pushing my bike - but the ride down to Tolman was blissfully fast...

I am guessing that the cosmos intends for me to get my youthful muscle legs back what with all my uphill classes this semester...no complaints - I will reserve bitching for rainy days :)

I do need a better campus map though - I think there is a cut-off I can take that gets me off the big street earlier and I would like that.

my hands are all over OWWIES!!!

I had to bandage my fingertips just to type.

But...but...

GROUT is DONE!!!

You know when you are painting a room and you are almost done and then you realize the paint can is empty and you make do with what you can squeeze out of the brush and tray???

That was me - only with grout. GAH it was SO close and I didn't want to buy another big bag just for 20 inches.

Nit and gritty is now fully understood - grout removes fingertips, skin layer by layer but the relief of having that done is enormous.

BTW - after dark last night I painted my porch rail :)

For doing it in the dark it looks pretty good. I will do a bit more painting in a little while after I recover my energy and stop trembling (maybe food?). More photos maybe later...

grout day

My intention is to finish the grout today which is about 3 times as much grouting as I've been doing each day.

I did scrub off my trim yesterday where it had gone black with mildew. It looks much better. My son ran up to Home Depot and bought the pot I pointed out to him yesterday - he also bought mulch. How much I finish will depend on how tired I am after grouting.

No more procrastinating - must grout!

the appraiser...

AKKKKK!!! He is coming on Sunday morning.

This means cleaning as well as finishing my grout and other small fixes. AKKKK!

Actually we have been waiting a week for him to be scheduled so that part is good, having to hurry up to finish my chores is also good, just tiring to even think about.

The dicey thing is my last appraisal was 4 years ago and it was great. Since then I added a deck, am completing the front porch improvement, put in hardwood floors in the back bedroom and hallway (soon to be whole house if refi is good) and painted several areas. I also installed two walk in closets and an outside door and second small deck. This moves my house officially from 2 to 4 bedrooms and even with the crap market should reflect as improvements in a positive way. I also have a partially completed non-conforming in my garage area which is a mystery as to how the appraiser will view it. It has a nice new french door and 1/2 is basically done (we are putting in a mini kitchen and full bath that are not yet done) I have a large garage at 1100 square feet and the nonconforming is taking about 230 of those feet with 10 foot ceilings :)

So, I'm nervous and yet pragmatic. My male housemate has trimmed all the shrubs up nice and they do look good. I hope to install a fountain and do some minor mulching as well as some minor painting and touch ups. The grout is my biggest thing because it makes the front look finished and well taken care of. We are also looking to place a large pot on the porch with greens and flowers because you only make a good impression once. :)

These are two photos of my deck during the summer (we remove the awnings during the winter) The decking is impervious or non-wood/non-rot.

I am hoping for GOOD numbers.

"The Longing"

"The Longing"
This is the name of the vampire erotica story that I've been working on for the best part of January. I am pleased to have written a short story over my winter break and I'm pleased with the story itself. Last night at 2am I sent it off to the editor after working on revisions for a few hours.

I did take a somewhat different path with this story than is traditional within the trope and near the end of writing the story a theme snuck out and surprised me, this required me to seed the manuscript last night to foreshadow that part a bit more. I am less certain that the story is actually erotica. There is certainly a small amount of sex in it and there is quite a bit more erotic tension but the story centers more on the evolution of a character and a bit on plot. The editor will let me know if it is suitable and if not, I know a couple more editors who've been bugging me for a new story that is dark fantasy (like this)

I received 7 crits prior to polish which is a goodly number. Nearly all of them were similar which was encouraging since it reflected a similar reading experience allowing me to work on the bits that were the least clear.

My goal this year is to write one new story a month and submit at least 3 stories a month. You might be wondering how this math works but I have a lot of stories on my old computer that I haven't been sending out because my access to them became complicated. I'm moving them at the moment so that excuse should evaporate. Last year I only submitted 6 stories and one poem. The poem sold, two of the stories sold, one of the stories made it past the slush and is now on the editor's desk, the other three stories I've not yet heard back on. Well, there was one more story that made 2nd place in a contest but that doesn't count :) I also had 2 stories win scholarships - so my year was busier than it looks on the surface.

This semester I should be in 2 writing classes which I hope will be both fun and helpful in terms of keeping my writing moving. I may also be an editor for the Berkeley Review (will know soon)

Such is the life :)

Vampire Erotica...

I still feel insecure about whether my story IS vampire erotica but ignoring that minor detail ::grins:: later today I will gather all my beta reader notes and do the final polish on the story. The overriding comment was that people wanted more. Out of 7 readers one told me it sucked :) Everyone told me they liked reading it and got invested immediately.

At this point I want to clean it up nicely and send it over to the editor who is waiting for it to arrive. She is the end point in terms of whether it meets her needs or not. I figure my odds aren't bad, this particular editor likes plotty things and mine is plotty.

Also today - I need to grout more and probably wash down some trim on the outside of my house so that I can add some fresh paint to make that area look perked up. I finished grouting the top platform yesterday - today is all about steps...

refinancing...

Some of you know that I'm currently grouting my front porch. Although it is looking nifty and part of the reason I'm working on it is to improve the appearance of my house, that really isn't the story.

I'm refinancing. I am a single woman and I've been blessed with my own home for most of my adult life but it isn't without struggle. I see the economic downturn and so many people trying to figure things out and I know what they are experiencing. About a decade ago my then boyfriend told my mother that I would have to get a job. He was rather gleeful about it because on some level he wanted to not HAVE to work. I had developed a frugal lifestyle that allowed me to just scrape by with almost nothing left (even for clothing) I moved away from the mainstream equation where success is measured in terms of what you are currently buying. For me, success was in having the time to pursue my dream of writing. So, I am not a consumer in the general sense of the word. I didn't buy anyone a Christmas present this year. I also didn't expect any. Buying a new pair of athletic shoes is a big deal for me because I wear them off my feet. I do have a weakness for home improvement and when I have extra cash I am most likely buying flooring or paint or trim or tools.

I also splurge on groceries - I try to buy quality foods so that my health is the best I can manage. Yes, I have health care but I detest doctors so this is my compromise. However, back to my last boyfriend. He is a really good man but he found it hard to live with me precisely because of my failure to consume. When we first met I paid off his debts and although he liked it, he had trouble dealing with it. He was coming from a position of being 'in the hole' emotionally and once no longer there, he had trouble dealing with himself but that is another story.

What I wanted to talk about was the problems I faced when I went back to a one person household. Because we had been in a relationship a long time I had purchased a larger house and once again had a mortgage - this one now exceeded my passive income. When I say my boyfriend was gleeful - it is the simple truth. However, because he wanted other things we had also purchased and held title to, he agreed to continue to help pay over a 3 year period and he got those items clear (a good deal) - this gave me time to adjust my income.

It may sound silly but I went to a manifestation group. The mantra behind the group was to intentionally position a desire in the cosmos. My mantra was simply, "I am open to receiving abundance" - I didn't want to be totally specific - really, I wanted to open myself to possible solutions to my problem - I didn't want to HAVE to go to work and give up my time for writing.

As I mentioned, at that point I was living in a 4 bedroom house - by myself. Silly. But, until that point I had bought into the 'needing independence' concept of every family a separate house. I facilitated some workshops and did some lecturing to bring in a little income and continued to ghost write for psychologists but it was very piece meal and I felt uneasy.

So, I confronted my need for my OWN home. I began taking in housemates. This was an adventure and let me assure you that my learning curve was substantial. But, I had several things going for me - high housing costs in my area and a large home (2500 sq ft) My bedroom sizes are decent and I have amenities as well (like a hottub) As I learned ABOUT people I discovered that my master suite was actually fairly large - I could manage my privacy in there. I also discovered that I needed to impose my standard of living (no clutter) on the common spaces and use my furniture. This became much easier both on me and on my housemates. This is a home and it is organized that way - for everyone - there is room to sprawl, to share or to be private.

As I discovered I could live with people around me I came to enjoy it. My house is always busy yet it is like a big family. I am picky about housemates and two of mine have lived here more than 7 years now. My point is that solving my financial problems required some creativity.

I work a little bit - a few years ago I went back to school full-time and now I'm a Junior at Berkeley. Every few years I try to refinance if interest rates go down. Right now they are very cheap so I am trying to save myself $700 per month just by refinancing. I am still frugal. I am repairing my porch because I had a water problem that rotted out a section and then the steps settled and to join the two pieces together I needed one material (slate) -

The thing is - our solutions depend on creativity too. We can't afford to have 3 empty bedrooms in our homes and think nothing of it. I have been so very lucky and I know that, but I also work hard at buying nothing extra. I can't afford it and my dreams too.

critiques...

So, it's really past time to talk about the critique process. Every time (or nearly) that I write a new short story I try to pass it through a critique group like OWW or one of my more private critique groups or partners. I want feedback because I am always too close to my own writing and other people will often pop me out of that bubble, allowing me to improve on what I have already done.

Critique, by its nature is a reciprocal process although many new writers don't seem to understand this. You receive some benefit by having people look at your work but by far the real benefit lies in how critiquing others hones your own ability to see into the work. From my perspective the ratio here is about 80 to 20 with the 80% favoring the work you do critiquing other people.

So, when I have a new piece I also practice my critique skills.

The writers I know who I consider really good are also hungry. They are never satisfied with the level of their craft. There is always that next bit to improve upon and they embrace that process, it drives them to remain open and seek out the mechanisms to create positive changes in their work.

So, writing a story is just a piece of the creation of a work. If you don't critique others you will never be able to see into your own work and, at best, you will plateau with maybe mediocre quality. If you approach critique really wanting an affirmation process then you will ignore the words of strangers and discard their advice. If you approach critique from a place of personal insecurity then you will take the wrong advice and muddle up your work. If, however, you approach critique as a tool, just like your computer, just like your research -- a tool to work across and through your thinking process and your revision process then you are likely to discover that critique pays serious rewards.

Often, as writers, we don't really know what informs our work. We don't know why we gravitate toward certain themes or certain types of characters. We think we pull them out of a hat all fresh and newly minted - but we don't. What rubs us from hidden places like a burr under the saddle are the issues and damage we have endured in our life -- our unresolved stuff. We select our stories as frames to work through our stuff, often from a very great and apparently safe distance. But this circuitous path to resolving our own issues means, from a critique standpoint, that we are often intentionally blind to flaws or weaknesses in the work. We hide certain things because it can hurt to sit with it. This means that all writers are blind to certain themes and characteristics in their work. This becomes important because if you read 'good' literature you fairly quickly discover that the work is good because it is relevant. To get close enough in your own work to 'find' the underlying themes and issues is to veer right along the edges of your pain. All of this complicates critique. If you know you need to KNOW what your story is about so that you can be more overt in delivering that to the page - then you must critique so that the skills of discovery become habitual until you no longer trigger off your own work and instead you can deploy these skills to reveal what is hidden.

It is my opinion that when you begin to reach this level of critique and revision that your work starts to be good, it starts to be relevant. But, between stories it is also good to remember that the mind runs away from those shadows and hard places - it wants to retreat and reblanket itself with oblivion. So, each time you birth the next story, you also have to dust off your critique skills and bring them back up to par - praying you will find the core story, the poignant power of the theme, the truth that the reader longs for.

friends...

I'm having some success following people on Blogspot :) Next I will see if I can follow embedded blogs and LJ's and others (which would also be cool) - then I can move on to more interesting posts.

renewal

I've decided today will be a good day.

Some of you know I lost a dear friend yesterday. He was instrumental in encouraging me to return to the University and when I realized he was gone I felt like I must make his young life count for something.

I often think we underestimate the effect we have on each other and often we are so caught up in our own stuff that we don't tell people how much we appreciate them. So, today I decided to make it a day of renewal and effort.

To that end I am going to try to get a few more pieces into circulation and I'm going to try to grout my front porch and paint some trim (it's beautiful and sunny here today) and I'm going to look at that novella that wants to be a play. Why not today? I may not have tomorrow so today it is...

adding friends (following)...

Ah hah!

I have overcome the software and found the right button! ::hee hee::

To accomplish it I needed the url of the blog I wanted to follow...
Then I clicked on my dashboard or the blogger symbol...
Then I scrolled down to AD and voila...

I haz followed...

lost in the labyrinth...that is Tolman...

My advisor sent me one of those generic "your paperwork is incomplete" emails this morning which really annoys me. Back in October I spent an entire day running between departments to make certain they had EVERYTHING they needed.

The thing is - I live about 1.5 hours drive from campus. Plus, the school is mast down or not everyone is there and if I need additional signatures it is likely I will need appointments to get them which makes this VERY annoying.

I faxed them a page minus the one signature and sent her an email explaining - hopefully she will just get on the ball and sort it out on her end. I shouldn't have to spend $20 because she lost a page.

The Labyrinth is Tolman Hall - probably the worst school building I've ever been in. It is a warren of windowless tiny rooms with low ceilings - YIKES!!! She works there.

we have erotica...

Not much, mind you - but erotica DID arrive in the story...

And, I think it might be good...

who knew?

Vampire Erotica

No more procrastination - today there must be sex!

I am at the point in this story where it either becomes erotica or becomes dark fantasy. Either way is okay although I did have it in mind for a specific anthology submission - still, it seems to have some legs under it and that is what I really want for my stories.

No followers here yet. I haven't really figured out how this blog works. My Facebook is plumping up due to the exodus from LJ dependency and my Twitter is also plumping up. Once I sort out how to become more connected here I will feel better about this blog. Until then, LJ is my go-to blog and will remain so until it dies (hopefully never)

If it eventually returns to stability then I may combine these two.

what would I do without vacation time?

I'm a bit overwhelmed with the sudden scramble to move my blog around. I'm now reminded that I promised myself to try to load Dreamweaver onto this computer in order to update my website which has languished untouched for several months (since my mac moved) - so, I could migrate my blog to the front page of my website which would probably be a reasonable thing to do in many ways. The thing is - I don't like front page blogs generally - a website should have archival material as well as blog etc... In my opinion the front page should really be a navigation spot to all your goodies. I need to think on this more.

I do think this 'issue' of blog-site-crash is part of the ongoing singularity of our lives. Technology, is at its core, unstable. It is constantly under the stress of change in a way that mirrors our lives rather frightfully. While there are certainly market pressure driving changes, there also seem to be non-market pressures driving changes. People fiddle with things and suddenly tech is old-school boat anchor and there is, yet again, NEW TECH.

LJ's flexing (whether it materializes into puffage or not) presses someone like me to fiddle with my website and to join other social networks and to try to solve my problems or see who IS solving my problem and then steal their ideas (always a good choice)

Right now I have 3 additional blog/networking entities to follow and that is too many (instinct tells me) - What I want is to flow all of them into one useful, easy-to-use, interface so I can read my friends from one spot, talk to them, and they can talk back equally easily. I can tell this is a feeds thing (which is solved) so the software and LJ make me learn more stuff. And that's why this tastes like eating lima beans....good for you...good for you...

migrating blogs

Some of my friends are finding me on Facebook - I should add my Twitter too. ::sigh:: I am feeling so regretful about this. I need to figure out how to find people on this without looking up people online and hoping they have a blogspot blog. pesk...

LJ is dying - and so I woefully consider moving...

Live Journal appears to be in the throes of demise, which is awful, since I dearly love my blog over there. I hate the idea of having to relearn this format, find my friends, sort out all the gizmos and stuff. ::sigh:: But, at least I migrated my archives today and managed to create this account just in case.

WAH!!!